I'D RATHER BE WATERBOARDED

It's been 5 days since I had my first Chemo infusion. It has not been pretty. Mostly I'm exhausted. I'm really too tired to be typing this. I'm taking long breaks between each sentence for some water and a pep talk from my coach. Then back into the ring, 3 words, Gatorade, rest. 

I have many side effects. But, I shall spare you the long list and cut to the gross bits. Blatant sensationalism I know, but a gal's got to lure her audience in somehow. And, since there is absolutely zero sex happening now, I'm going for blood, violence and pain. 

Eew factor numero uno:

I have blisters in and around my nose. All over. My nose is a dot-to-dot abscess puzzle. Connect them all and you'll have a cankerous, white-headed Miro. If I have to blow my nose, it gets Tarantino bloody. Chemo literally punches you in the face. 

Eew de 2 (Coming soon to a perfume counter near you.) 

My entire neck and chest area is covered in a throbbing, itchy, red rash. It works much as America does. The areas that are blue are calm. But the red spots are unbelievably irritating and menacing. And, they won't go away. I've tried appeasing them by buttering them up with soothing lotion and promising it'll get better this time around. But they don't believe me. They're swollen, angry, demanding all my attention and insisting the other 47% of my body should not share the cream. It's a hard itch to scratch. 

Eew 3 

This one's really for Adam Sandler fans. POOP. If you're not laughing hysterically and making fart noises with your armpit, this Blog has ended for you. Thanks for reading. For the rest of you, and my nephew, I shall continue. I had not pooped in 5 days. Yesterday was my first one. And it was a tiny, pathetic, Cadbury's Whisper of a poop. No, Dr Freud, I am not holding onto my poop like gold. I've long since gotten over those issues. I would simply love a relaxing, free-flowing, zero-pushing guano. Isn't that what everyone wants? 

I'm tiring fast. It's time for a quick nap before my Neulasta (medicine to stimulate healthy, white blood cells and fight infection) starts drilling at my bones with a pneumatic jackhammer. Can't wait to see what next week brings.